Breaking The Cycle Of Domestic Violence…

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15-44 in the U.S

I still remember the first time he hit me. It was our very first fight. We were arguing about how he made me feel in the setting of meeting a few of his friends and a cousin. I pulled him into the bathroom and I said, “You know, I feel like you’re cutting me off or making me seem kind of stupid in front of your friends. Everything I say is getting an eye roll or you say it’s not important and I just don’t like how you’re making me feel”. I was told “listen, these are my friends so just chill the fuck out.” I remember thinking wow, where did this come from? Maybe a month in and this is the first time I’ve really seen this intensity. I remember saying “I’m not trying to start any trouble, I’m just letting you know how I am feeling. I’m coming out and saying the way that you’re treating me right now is not cool”. Once again I was told, “If you don’t like how I’m fucking treating you then you can get the fuck out”. While that was being said there was a finger pointed at my face and I said “hey, don’t point your finger at me. I’m an adult just like you’re an adult. I’m respecting you, I need you to respect me” and I kindly pushed that finger out of my face. Before I could even blink there was a smack across my face. I was in shock. I couldn’t believe it. Did this stranger; did this man I have only known for a month just smack me with no regard to my feelings like I wasn’t even a person? I just stood there in complete shock and started crying. The tears were coming and I couldn’t even stop them if I wanted to. They were just rolling and rolling and rolling down my face and then he speaks saying to me “stop your fucking crying. My daughter doesn’t even cry as much as you do”. Then he walked out of the bathroom and I just stayed there crying. I can’t even tell you how long I was in there, I was in complete shock. I didn’t understand what was going on. I didn’t understand how I got myself in this situation. what did I do? What did I say? Am I really going to be that girl? That girl that lets a man, a man who was of no importance to her, who doesn’t even know her, who holds no value to her life just smack her and walk away? YES! I turned out to be that girl; I was that girl for five years.
After that first hit, as you can guess, the hits just kept on coming. For a while it was just a smack in the face along with, name-calling, belittling, and tormenting, but as the years went on, it got worse. It went from smacking to punching to kicking to spitting. There pretty much wasn’t anything that had not been done to me. I can recall a time when I was holding my daughter and he was talking shit and it was just one of those days I didn’t want to hear it. Normally I would keep quiet. I learned early on that defending myself only got me hit more, but this day I was tired and knew the consequence of expressing that and didn’t care. I told him I didn’t care about what he was yelling about, to fuck off and he instructed me to put my daughter down. I told him no, to just leave me alone, and he instructed me again to put her down. At this point I was thinking is there a way I can get away but I knew there was no where I could go, he was blocking the only entrance out of my apartment and no one else was home. I remember praying that he would just walk away, say forget it, but no, why would his cowardly ass do that. He said, “You can put her down or I will make you put her down”. I told him he could try, touch my kid and you will have to kill me. He said “I won’t have to lay a hand on her”, then walked past me. I went into the bedroom and knelt down on the floor putting her on the floor and telling her I loved her and next thing there is a string around my neck and he proceeded to choke me. I cried, begged, pleaded for him to stop. Screaming, he said, “I thought you were a gangster” “I thought you were that bitch, you’re the boss right”? I fought, tried to scratch but nothing. I thought, he is going to kill me in front of my daughter. The screaming started to alarm her and she started crying and crawled towards us and he let me go, laughing. I fell to the floor; he kicked me and then left the house. This type of abuse lasted for five very long years.

How did I become this girl? I was raised by two women who rarely ever raised their hand to hit me. It was something my mom just didn’t feel she needed to do. Yes, my mom was also a victim of domestic violence and so was my grandmother but I was not raised in a household with domestic violence. Domestic Violence was not apart of my life. So many times I wanted to tell her, wanted to ask her to help me, come save me. But I didn’t and I don’t know why. I was always able to talk to my mom. I had a very open relationship with her. She was strict and she had a lot of rules but we had a very good relationship. She was indeed my best friend. I never really came out and told anyone; people just knew. Friends and family would ask but I just lied or said mind your business. Domestic violence took five years of my life that I cannot get back and unlike so many women who either don’t or never have the chance to, I finally left. On Sunday November 19, 2006 a phone call would ultimately change my life. It took a horrific car accident that almost took the life of my two daughters, my grandmother, my mother and my brother, to realize I needed a change, I wanted a change. The thought of losing my family was enough of a wake up call for me. This life altering situation finally woke me up and made me see that this life wasn’t good for me and sure as hell wasn’t good for my children. One day could definitely be my last day. Towards the end I saw that as being a definite possibility. It caused me so much harm, physically, emotionally and mentally. I relapsed with my anorexia, I was suffering from postpartum depression, and I would self medicate. I lost friends because they could no longer sit back and see what this man was doing to me. I became a completely different person.

Since leaving that relationship I have talked to young girls about Domestic Violence, I have attended groups and made sure I received therapy for both my oldest daughter and myself. I have such a great support system and my true friends and family really help out. Regaining my spiritual faith helped out the most. If anyone reads this post I would really want it to be that young girl or woman going through what I went through and realizing there is help and hope and you just have to love yourself; above all love yourself. I did not love myself for many years. We are out here to listen to you and you help you find your way out. Please don’t be silent.