The word Buddha means “The Awakened One” in Sanskrit.
Imagine waking up one morning and not knowing who you are. Just sitting in your bed staring at the ceiling and saying “Who am I?” How did I get here? That was me over a decade ago. A single mother with two kids, working a minimum wage job, and oh yea, in an abusive relationship.
If you would have asked me when I was in high school do you think this would be your life I definitely would of said HELL NO! I had dreams, big dreams. I wanted to join the Air Force, travel the world, fly planes and eventually join J.A.G (Judge Advocate General Corps). Never did I expect I would get pregnant at 18yrs old and have two kids by the time I was 22yrs old and be with a man that used me as his personal punching bag. I was so full of life before my first daughter, I just knew the world was my oyster as they say and I was going to take advantage of that. There was so much I wanted to learn and see. I am not someone who gives up easily and though I was not joining the Air Force I refuse to allow the fact that I was a teen mom to stop me from pursuing other avenues that were still open to me. I choose to go to college and work on getting a Bachelor’s Degree in criminal justice. My goal was to definitely show my daughter that life is all about curve balls. Regardless of why we make the choices we make, we have to own them and try to find another way when those choices come back to bite us.
Though I thought I had a pretty good handle on my life, I didn’t. I was lonely, missing my friends, who were either working, going to college, or just enjoying being young and free. I was home alone with a baby most of the day, with no one to talk to, I was super excited when I was finally able to enroll in college classes. That is where I met the man that would change me forever, traveling to school. I sometimes think about that day and say “how did I not see it” how did I not notice that he was damaged and willing to hurt others due to his damage. Now I know that I was damaged myself and damage people usually attract other damage people. The attention I was getting made me feel good, it was something I needed and wanted. When you have a baby at that age, you barely know how to take care of yourself physically let alone emotionally. I didn’t know how to handle or how to care for what I was feeling emotionally being such a young mom. I didn’t have an example or someone to relate to all I knew was I felt all alone.
The abuse both physical and emotional lasted for 5yrs, the relationship resulted in me having another daughter. I was in fear of my life and the well-being of my kids, but couldn’t get the courage to leave. My head and heart knew that this wasn’t okay, I hated that my kids were witness to this and this was their life too. I needed a push I needed something or someone to help me. Pull me by the hand and say let’s go. Well the universe must have had enough of me saying I was leaving and dreaming about leaving but never actually doing it. It gave me the biggest smack in the face when my entire family (Grand Mother, Mother, Brother, 1st daughter, 2nd Daughter) was involved in a horrible car accident. My 1st Daughter and brother were thrown from the car and went through the windshield. Suffering severe injuries and undergoing emergency surgeries. I remember that phone call to this day, I will never forget it or forget the feeling I had in my stomach. I remember falling to the ground because my whole body went numb. All I could do was pray, I had no control of the situation or the outcome. So that is exactly what I did. I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. I believed in a higher power, I was definitely more spiritual then religious I was always that way. I didn’t know what was above the clouds all I knew is that I needed all the spiritual guidance I could get. I begged for my daughter’s life to be saved. I confessed all the stupid decisions I had been making since my kids were born and made a vow to change those decisions. I knew the life I was living, was no good and wasn’t going to end well either. My kids deserved better they didn’t ask to be here they didn’t ask for this situation. I prayed “Please save her and I will leave him, I will not allow him to make me a victim no longer”. I promised and I planned on keeping that promise. That’s exactly what I did, once my family was stable and we could start to heal from this accident, I put him out and got a restraining order. I wasn’t playing any games, this was going to be the beginning of the end of this toxic relationship.
Kicking his sorry ass to the curb was the easy part, the hard part was dealing with the emotional trauma my kids and I suffered with for the past 5yrs. I was so angry at myself, I felt like I wasn’t a good mother. I mean what kind of mom allows a man to physically, emotionally, and mentally abuse her and stay with him. All the cheating and the illegitimate babies that were born due to his infidelity. The nights I cried, once again I was dealing with emotions that I did not know how to care for. What made it worse is now I have to little girls who are also dealing with emotions and I don’t know how to care for those emotions. I didn’t learn how to care for mine so I can’t care for others. I remember expressing to a friend that I was in a funk and that I felt just as bad as I did when I was still in the relationship. I thought leaving him would make my life better, he was gone but I was still sad. My friend suggested therapy. I figured it couldn’t hurt, I was willing to try anything at this point. I started to see a therapist, I figured I had to get myself right first before I could get my kids right, I needed to understand where my head was at. It was in therapy that I was diagnosed with both postpartum depression and Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). My therapist was sure I had Postpartum since the birth my first daughter and MDD was the result of being a victim of Domestic Violence. (Survivors of domestic violence are nearly twice as likely to suffer depressive symptoms compared to women who have not experienced domestic abuse.)
It may sound weird but finally having answers to my emotional state was so “Awakening” I felt like a window finally opened for me and I could actually let sun light it. I knew what I was dealing with and could come up with plan to get better. The road wasn’t going to be easy I had so much emotional baggage to uncover. I knew right away that I didn’t want any medication, I wanted to handle this one day at a time. My therapist recommended a journal, which was perfect for me because I had been keeping a journal since I was young. Another option she suggested was church, a religious group, or a support group. She said religion helps with depressions a lot. I knew off the bat that Christianity was not the route for me, I grew up catholic but I remember always feeling like if I wasn’t perfect God wouldn’t love me (Which isn’t true) and I am bi-sexual. I wanted to be me, I wanted to feel like flaws and all I was loved by a higher power. I looked up different religions, read about the different practices and the one that stood out to me the one that made me want to learn more was Buddhism.
Buddhism is a religion that was founded by Siddhartha Gautama (“The Buddha”) more than 2,500 years ago in India. With about 470 million followers, scholars consider Buddhism one of the major world religions. The religion has historically been most prominent in East and Southeast Asia, but its influence is growing in the West. The Buddhist cosmology is distinctly different from that of other religions which usually recognize only earth as the center of the universe and the only planet with living beings. The Buddhist viewpoint is that of one billion solar systems. There is no almighty God in Buddhism. There is no one to hand out punishment on a supposedly Judgement Day. No savior concept in Buddhism. It is not within the power of a Buddha to wash away the impurities of others.
What drew me to Buddhism the most was the liberation of self is the responsibility of one’s own self. It places heavy emphasis on self-reliance, self-discipline and individual striving. Which for me was so important. I am in control of my life now. For so long I felt so defeated and didn’t have control. I can’t control others and there are somethings in life that just happen not due to anything on my part i.e. the car accident but I am in control of my decisions. In Buddhism, the ultimate objective of followers/practitioners is enlightenment and/or liberations from Samsara; rather than go to a Heaven. The importance of Non-attachment. One must not be to attached to good deeds or the idea of doing good; otherwise it is just another form of craving. The Buddha is omniscient but he is not omnipotent, a Buddha does not claim to be a creator of lives or the universe. The tradition and practice of meditation in Buddhism are relatively important and strong. Meditation is where I found my peace. Where I was able to control my thoughts and fears and focus. Meditation saved me.
Two books that help save my life along with studying Buddhism was The Mastery of self by Don Miguel Ruiz JR. and Being Peace by Thich Nhat Hanh. I would recommend these two books to anyone suffering from depression and also looking for some enlightenment. These books will definitely have you sit back and think about the past and future. I was so grateful for my therapist for helping me on the path of becoming a better version of myself and becoming a better mother. I was able to sit down and have a conversation with my kids, to talk about their fears, and to understand them and be able to help them with their emotional trauma. With therapy, meditation, attending support groups I was getting to a place of peace. While attending one of my survivors of domestic violence support groups I was blessed and deep down in my heart I know it was meant for me to hear specifically, I heard a song that was my life. This song was exactly how I felt (past) and what I was working towards (future). The chorus is the quote of my life, even the quote of my webpage. This song has become what I like to call my quick therapy when I feel myself slipping or at a cross road that starts to bring back my fears (Because depression doesn’t go away, it’s a addictions that I fight every single day) is Peace within by Terry Dexter “I’ve lived through situations thought I would not survive through trial and tribulations I found the strength to rise above my circumstance and learn to love just who I am, I find my peace within.” Such powerful words in one sentence for me. When I hear her sing this song it brings a strength that I sometimes feel isn’t there and bam I hear this song and my strength resurfaces. I awaken.
I am a work in progress every day I learn to become a better version of myself, a better mother, sister, daughter, and friend. Every day I wake up wanting to strive for all the things I gave up, I wake up wanted to love my kids harder, I wake up wanting to love myself better, I wake up grateful for being able to start over. I become awakened to all the universe has to offer me and all the possibilities out there. My life may not have gone the directions I thought, but maybe I was wrong maybe just maybe I needed to go through all I went through to see what was right in front of me. There is always room for improvement, and I will battle myself everyday but I have the tools I need for that battle and can always learn more tools, either way I refuse to sit back and not take control of my life. Buddhism has been such an important part of my life, it saved my life. Practicing and studying Buddhism has made it possible for me to function and understand myself and help me understand others. Regardless of what religion you practice there is something about having faith in something bigger than yourself bigger than this world that makes life just a little bit easier.
